Talking With “Clutch”

“Clutch!  Hey boy!”

“Woof! Woof.”

“C’mon, Clutch…”

“Sorry I forget you understand in a funny way.”


“Yunh, man, ‘woof, woof, woof!’ works.  You just have to accept the nuance.”

“I’m trying.”

“And about this ‘shaking hands.’  Man, that’s queer.”

“We’re not allowed to use that word.”

“See? Prosecution rests.  If you’re just gonna sit there, scratch my ear.”

“Time for another bath?”

“Hell no! Had a bath last month.  Get the other ear.  Yeah!  Ah-h-h!”

“You know, Clutch, that damned squirrel is back.”

“Where? What squirrel?  I don’t see no squirrel.  Where’s the squirrel?”

“In the back yard, burying walnuts in the garden.”

“Oh look, man, see that bitch? I need to go check her out.”

“Another word we’re probably not allowed to use, Clutch.”


“Bitch.  I mean, you and I understand. Some don’t.”

“Case been closed. Keep up, man.  That is a good-lookin bitch!”


“Man, it’s your word.  You picked it. Coulda reused ‘hen,’ or vixen.’  But no-o-o.  You hadda have a different word.”

“Not me.”

“People. Humans. You.”

“Cut me some slack, Clutch.”

“You know I’m pokin at ya.”

“Guess so.  Unh, Clutch.  That bitch?  She’s been, um, fixed.”

“That all you think about?”

“No. Course not.  But just in case, I thought I’d warn ya.”

“We can just be friends.  You didn’t think I’d know?”

“Well, how would you know?  I mean by all appearances…”


“That’s another thing you gotta explain, Clutch.”

“What’s that?”

“That smelling thing.”

“Oh, brother.  That’s gonna take a while.“

“I’m listening.”

“Man, you can’t even smell toast burning!”

“I mean you carry it a bit far…”


“Dogs.  Is it like a handshake?”

“Not even close.  Lookit!  That Labradoodle’s checkin her out.  I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Clutch!  Clutch?”

© SP Wilcenski 2020

First appeared in P**** 5/26/2020

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