Surrogate Episode VIII

This is NSFW.  There is no way it’s not.  Language, sacrilege, gender.  If you can’t deal with it, you have no business here.

“Surrogate” episodes started in 2009 as a bit of irreverent humor to lighten the load carried by a young friend cursed with a cancer.  At least, I’d hoped to momentarily distract him from his struggle. 

Irreverent?  Yes.  My protagonist engages in conversation with God, a God he has been himself disappointed in, nonetheless petitioning for divine intervention for his friend, who oddly is also struggling against a cancer.

Lest you worry, my young friend today is in remission, has been for some time.  He has won significant normalcy and already now ten years of good health with promise of a full life remaining.

Surrogate Episode VIII
Original August 6, 2009

“…that’ll fix the bastards.  I’ll put up with a lot but there comes a time I’ve had enough!”

“     ”


“     ”

“Hey.  Hey!”



“For you, I’ve got time.  I’ll make time.”

“You’re not going to ask what I was just talking about?”


“The ‘bastards’?”


“Why not?”

“You’d just confuse me.”

“Your loss.  Where’d we leave off?”

“Sex.  You suggested I was ‘way off’ about sex.”

“Not you, you.” 


“Mankind you.”


“Men mostly.”


“Women, too.”


“You, too.”


“If all I get is ‘ah,’ this is gonna be a short conversation.”


“Stop it, dammit.”


“Where were we?”

“Sex. Tough to just jump right in.”


“All the taboos.”

“Your doing.”


“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do.  There’s mankind ‘you,’ and there’s you you.  When I mean mankind, I’ll say ‘mankind.’  Or ‘man.’  When I mean you you, I’ll say ‘you.’”

“Fair enough.”

“Always.  Now.  Sex.”

“So many rules on how, when, even rules against it outright.”



“Sure.  Sex is like food.  Sex is food of sorts. Necessary.  Pleasurable.”


“In your limited understanding, yup.”  

“Your me, mine, or your, mankind?”


“I try, honest-to-god, I try.”

“     ”

“You chuckled.”

“Yes.  I did, didn’t I?”

“I could get to like you when you’re like this, I really could.”

“You do.  Already.”

“No, that’s more a fear thing you’ve got going.”

“I understand.”

“‘Like’ you because, well the alternatives are not wonderful.”


“And this, I mean hearing you chuckle, it makes me almost…”


“Yeah.  I could get used to that.”


“Okay.  Sex?  Food?”

“Go on.”

“Alright, the Jews, Muslims, Hindi have all these rules about food.”

“Old Testament.   And, um, other works of fiction.”

“Rules came from somewhere.”

“Was a time it was for health reasons.”


“Not so much.  But they’re comfortable.”  Jews, Hindi.  For them it’s a focus.”


“Yeah, less so – tight asses.”

“So, I see.  Food.  Sex.  Parallels.  ‘Forbidden fruit.’”

“Yes and no.”

“Kisses sweeter than wine?”

“Nice song.  No eternal truth.”

“I’m really confused.”

“You usually are.  Take the apple of the tree of knowledge.”

“Original sin.”

“Good.  Now try to keep up.”

“Do my best.”

“First, I can’t get anything but ‘Ah,’ and now I have a chatterbox.  Shut up.”

“     ”

“Apple had nothing to do with it.”

“But Genesis… Oh, yeah… Source.”

“Right.  You want to get a moral across you do something like “Three Little Hogs.”


“Pigs.  Hogs.  Morchufka.”


“You see that star over there?  Never mind.   Of course you can’t see that star.”


“What it was was, Adam and Eve had a pretty good meal, were looking for dessert.  Adam wanted a banana.  Eve wanted a pear.  They settled on an apple.”

“The apple of wisdom.”

“Bullshit.  It was an apple.  Just an apple.  An apple is no smarter than a pear a grape or mankind.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you?”


“I’m adjusting.”

“But it was your apple and you were sore because they ate your apple.”

“No.  I was angry because they ate the damned snake for dinner.”

“The serpent was forbidden?”

“Nah.  It was stupid, but they didn’t invite me.  That made me sore.”

“So you kicked them out of the garden!”

“No.  I’m reasonable.  I know what you’re thinking, but I’m reasonable.”


“Stop.  We talked about it.  Adam and me.  Adam was flawed – he was the first go – he was working with me there.  Eve was adamant – now there’s a word for ya – work on that one – wouldn’t move.  The first snake was a pretty good piece.  Later efforts not so good.”

“The problem?”

“With the second snake or with Eve?”

“With Eve.”

“Problem was Eve got pissy.”

“Sounds like she was flawed, too.”

“No.  Pretty good work, that, but there’s your ‘free will’ again.” 

“She pissed you off.”

“You think women now are pushy, Eve was the mother of them all.”

“So you punished them.”

“Yeah.  Tossed their butts.” 

“And that’s the original sin.”

“No.  The original sin – if that’s the best you can do for naming it – was they wouldn’t understand and never tried to make it right.  No contrition.”

“So mankind never can go back?”

“I have to ask why you’d want to, but no.  Not now.”


“I’m nothing if not forgiving.  And fair.”

“Wait a minute…”

“No, I know what’s coming and you’re wrong.”


“You are.  Anyway, too many stupid ideas about food.”

“Especially of late.”

“Especially of late.  What’s with tofu hamburgers?”



“Red meat is good?  I mean, red meat is good, but is it good?”

“Damn straight.”


“That’s necessary.”

“But the doctors…”

“Almost a chuckle.  Doctors don’t know but what I let them know and they aren’t any better than priests for sticking with the truth.  How many times has coffee been good for you, bad for you, good for you?  Moderation.  Flip side to Free Will.”

“Eating bugs?”



“Eat cheese?”

“Mold, spoilage, unclean?”

“Eat cheese?  Sauerkraut?  Drink wine?  Whiskey?”


“Different subject, but a grape’s a grape, wheat is wheat, corn is corn.”

“Eat dirt?”

“Mineral supplements?”

“I’m sure there are others, but I’m at a loss.”

“Sure.  Consider this: at one time, tomatoes were considered poison.”


“Yup.  Mankind needs time to learn.  Sometimes to unlearn.”

“He should live so long.”

“That’s still open.”

“I see.”

“Point is, by itself and in excess anything is bad.”

“Common sense.”

“Except beer.  And Pizza.  They are always good – even to excess.” 

“Especially in excess.”

“Now you’re talkin.”

“I remember, I owe you a beer.”

“I have a favorite.”

“And that would be?”

“    “

“And that would be?”

Those sons-a-bitches!”


“I just got done… Well shit…”

“Hey!  What?”

“     ”

“What?  What sons-a-bitches?  Where?  Who?”

“     ”


“Always listening…”

“Geeze.  You keep doing like that, I’m gonna have a heart attack.”

“I’m working on the ‘awesome’ thing.”

“Okay.  Pretty good.  I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not, but you could be.”

“You listen, yes, but do you pay attention?”


“Well, since I do have your ear again, this ‘sex’ thing.  We got a bit off the subject. I have some questions.  And we’ve just started with the food thing.”

“     ”

“Are you there?”

“     ”


“     ”


“     ”

“God…um…ah…  Crap!”

© SP Wilcenski 2020

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