SSSI – Self-Serve Solution Inventory

(Also known as SBKO: The Snarky Book of Kiss-offs)

The answer to the question posed by the pain in the butt in front of you right now is in this list. Tell them, “pick one you’re comfortable with and leave me alone.”

  1. You need more memory.  512 Meg oughta do it.
  2. I dunno.  Try Control-Alt-Delete.
  3. The phone line.  Call the phone company.
  4. The modem.   Swap it out.
  5. Dirty power.  Install a line-conditioner/UPS/Surge protector.
  6. Software on the other end.  Let them fix it.
  7. Humidity.  Install a de-humidifier.
  8. Humidity.  Install a humidifier.
  9. The last guy who was here.  Rewrite the program.
  10. Probably about six hours.
  11. Temperature.  Open the back panel.
  12. Temperature.  Plug the vents.
  13. That project was cancelled.  Use a calculator.
  14. It’s there; you missed it.  Go look again.
  15. Not my responsibility.  Check with Accounting.
  16. Parity error.  Try retransmitting.
  17. Oh, look: five o’clock!  Put it on my desk.  I’ll look at it first thing tomorrow.
  18. Next week, I promise.
  19. Add ten to each number.  It’ll be pretty doggone close.
  20. Last week.  Didn’t you get my email?
  21. Really?  We deleted that two years ago.
  22. Function key 10.
  23. You’re not cleared for that information anyway.
  24. Bob Kluscovitz.  On the third floor.
  25. It’s not supposed to balance.  It’s a trial run.
  26. Thirty-seven (37) percent (%) +/-0.27.
  27. Lotus 987.  The spreadsheet for lefties.
  28. And you pressed any key?  Then it must have worked.
  29. June 14th is not a valid date.  That’s St. Data’s Day.
  30. A scratch tape. 6400FCPI qpk fml007.A.
  31. It was pre-empted by an Accounting request, that’s why.
  32. Because blue is the standard color for inquiry screens.
  33. I just sent Tim McGinty to your office with that.
  34. Last guy who really understood that language now sells balloons in the park.
  35. Maybe.
  36. Orlifter nagly purpine winsel tuxaught, e angly jueston amplidrag.
  37. Somewhere near Omaha.
  38. Sure!
  39. Offset 237 for a length of 16.
  40. All records participating, no duplicates.
  41. Just a minute.  When I finish this, I’ll help you search for your brains.
  42. No, I’m not going to give “my fair share” again this year.
  43. Yeah.  Um-hmm.  No problem.  Fine.  You got it.
  44. Today is Wednesday, so meatloaf, green beans, and mashed potatoes.
  45. No.
  46. I’ll take two boxes of Pecan Sandies and two Samoas.
  47. Cleo, Morgan, Stan, Winston, and Sue.
  48. Yes.
  49. Beats the living snot out of me.  Did you ask Operations?
  50. It wasn’t there; you just thought it was.  Go look again.
  51. This is really gonna cost you.  How bad do you want this?
  52. I have no idea how long it will take.
  53. Then you want it just like it was three months ago?  You remember, before you insisted we change it?
  54. I understand. 
  55. You’re an idiot.
  56. Didn’t work, huh?  But that’s how you do it. That’s what my notes say. After that, I dunno.
  57. I heard your question.  I don’t understand it.  Try using English.
  58. I don’t know.  I’m not supposed to know.  I’m not paid to know.
  59. I told you last week.  You’ve forgotten.  Ask me to explain it again, it’s gonna really tee me off. You don’t want that.
  60. Are you serious?
  61. Here’s the deal: it’ll take me three days to spec it for someone else; if I do it myself it’ll take me three hours.  Your choice.
  62. No way in this lifetime.
  63. From my mother.
  64. I said it would take two weeks.  No, I cannot do it in five days.
  65. Google it.
  66. You’ve been standing under the Stupid Tree again, haven’t you?
  67. Is this higher priority than the two-week, highest priority job you gave at nine this morning?
  68. Six dollars and twelve cents.
  69. If you wanted it done by then, you should have brought it to me six months ago.
  70. Magic.
  71. He’s off today.
  72. From my father.
  73. Three men and a forklift.
  74. Are you insane?
  75. Sure, I can tell you, but then you know what I have to do…
  76. Not now, I’m busy.
  77. I know I don’t smoke.  Smokers get a smoke break.  I’m on “non-smoke” break.  Leave me alone.
  78. There is not enough pizza and beer in the world to make me want to do that for you.
  79. Oh, him.  He’s a manager-manager; in other words, he’s one of the many who really don’t “do” anything.
  80. You forgot the magic word.
  81. Try as I might, I cannot read your mind. Besides, the prospect is scary; I never really liked desolate places.
  82. Broken? What do you mean “broken?”  Would you care to be just a teensy more specific?
  83. Take two aspirin and go away.
  84. I don’t give a [pick your expletive].
  85. Not my job.  Not your job.  Can’t be that important.
  86. And when I finish that, if you bend over, I’ll wipe your…
  87. What college did you say you graduated from?  Mine didn’t offer Bachelor of Stupid.
  88. No, I’m doing nothing right now.  Which is still more important than helping you.
  89. Hey, lookit, lunchtime.  Wanna do lunch?  Good.  Check with me when you get back.
  90. Why is it every time I see you coming up the hall, I hear the time-Hoover sucking away?
  91. Oh, you got that from the Internet?  Geeze, then you must be right, and I must be wrong.
  92. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  You’re funny!  I haven’t laughed like that since the last time you dropped by.
  93. There are not enough virgins in accounting to make it worth my while.
  94. Isn’t it time for your medication?
  95. Then don’t read it on your cellphone; use a real computer.
  96. If I could answer that question, I’d be on the short list for three Nobel prizes.
  97. Is it plugged-in? Are you sure?
  98. Oh!  This gonna cost you!
  99. Not for all the beer in Milwaukee.
  100. Every time I think there’s nothing dumber than grass, you walk up.
  101. Not according to Freud.
  102. And I should care about this because?
  103. That update cancels the update before which failed to update the one before that.
  104. That’s not a bug, it’s an enhancement.
  105. The customer is madder than hell but admits that’s what his RFQ called for.
  106. Bug, error, oversight, call it what you want, it’s broken.
  107. Love to help you but your support contract expired in June.
  108. Yes, there’s a fix for that.  You’ll have to purchase the upgrade.
  109. No, it doesn’t work, but dang, aren’t those some snazzy graphics?
  110. If you ask me that question again, I cannot guarantee you’ll leave the building under your own power.
  111. Missed your medications again this morning, didn’t you?
  112. Yeah, I know you were here first, but she’s better looking than you.
  113. Because I disconnected my phone.
  114. Usually about twenty minutes, but since you’re such a pain in the pookiss, three days.
  115. Fast or accurate, which do you want?
  116. You weren’t supposed to read that. Erase your initials and initial your erasure.
  117. The old system took 35 minutes.  The new, improved one takes an hour and a half.
  118. You did do a backup first?
  119. You don’t understand? What language do you think you might understand?
  120. We haven’t run that daily report in three months.  Suddenly you miss it?
  121. Your journalism degree wants me to explain self-correcting exponential smoothing in five minutes?
  122. We’re down for maintenance until 2:30 this afternoon, that’s why you can’t login.
  123. Auto detect will see you try install that game and disable your logon.
  124. Talk to your supervisor, I was just told to delete your logon.
  125. Let’s see 9AM. This reorg takes 2 hours. Can you come back Thursday of next week?

© SP Wilcenski 2020

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