NSFW, obviously for language and social denigration
A Little Too Close to the Edge
Let’s keep names and places fictional. The details I’m sharing are straight skinny. This crap is not fiction. It’s not embellished. What I describe happens here in the hood. Because it happens and because I’m a curmudgeonly sort, after I describe the knot in my shorts, I intend to share my plans to seek remedy. This is not a rant in any traditional1 sense, because seeing my way clear, it’s my intention to do something, not just kvetch.
Burb clowns of both “I identify as” gender declarations2 own dogs. On second thought, here in the hood, I know of two instances of non-binary2 dog owners. Thus, a variety of people-types own dogs. Not a bad thing. What is bad, is the way many hood people own dogs.
For their dogs’ health, these owners walk their Bowsers around the hood. Exercise. Ostensibly. The real reason is that dogs shit.3 Dog owners do not want their dog, or anyone else’s dog to shit in their yards, on their sidewalks, or squat in their ornamentals. To get around that, healthy exercise is the declared reason for walking, dragging, or being dragged by their dogs anywhere and everywhere except their own property, and on that sojourn allowed to shit on someone else’s lawn, driveway, or in someone else’s flower beds.
This is a civilized society. There are rules. If on a walk Fido shits on a lawn other than yours, you are obligated to use a shit mitten or pooper-scooper to “clean up after your canine.” Ah, but not if you suspect no one, especially the shit-upon property owner, was watching, or it was the dark of night, or you as Fluffy’s owner didn’t “see” the deed.4 I have no statistics, and I suspect un-cleaned-up percentages are low. But I maintain it does happen and any unharvested dogshit is societal failure.
Even if, a big “if,” all doggie-walkers did “clean-up” all the time, there is the inescapable fact that there is residue.5 Urination itself is bad. As bad as dogshit is, you can make some show of cleaning-up the situation. What are you going to do with dog pee?6 Even I can’t come up with an answer there.
Children still do, on occasion, when not playing on-line video games, play in yards.7 Roll in the grass, fall downplaying tag or Red Rover.8 Right where neighborhood dogs by some perversion have a right to shit. Can you imagine the health consequences of close contact with this uncomfortable and vermin-infested residue?
I’ve spoken to the infamous, ineffective HOA. It is difficult to talk intelligently when the party on the other side of the fence lacks intelligence. The Stooges suggested it was a matter for the county and city. Fine. City and county governments are disinclined to allow meeting time to entertain ordinance proposals imposing $1,000 fines for anyone whose animal soils any property other than that of the animal’s owner. The gent at the Health Department suggested a career in stand-up comedy.
Dog shit: I am contemplating buying an elephant. Elephants are notoriously prodigious poopers. The difficult part will be training Simba to restrain until we approach the yard of a neighbor whose dog loves shitting as the visiting-team.
“Now, Simba! Poop! Try to knock over the mailbox or dent the BMW at the end of the drive with a bale of elephant manure. Be a good boy! I’m going to look for Skylab.”
If not Simba, then Valdemar, the biggest Great Dane I can manage, plenty of good food, and a helpful dose of laxative just before our morning walk through the hood to neighbor Simmons’ place.
Urine: going to focus on Simba, so (not even having to look away when a tide of elephant urine gushes) erosion at the edge of the driveway results. Maybe Simba and Dumbo? Why not?
Or maybe build a chest high portable cabana. Drink a lot of tea. Waltz over to Galway’s yard, step onto his lawn, wave to Clint.
Step inside the cabana, ceremoniously unzip, not risking arrest for public indecency, close the door, and get rid of my tea.
“Sorry man! Too much tea! Couldn’t make it home. You know, when you have to go, you have to go, eh?”
Can you imagine how incensed these people would be if I took Simba or Valdemar to pee or shit in their yards – where their children play? This, you know is going to start a pissing contest, because these Democrats will not admit the validity of the argument, the legitimacy of the point. Ask anyone who knows me; I’m not one you want to start a pissing contest with.
1 Traditional rant: since “rants” in the context of blog-writing have about ten years’ history, that’s hardly “traditional.” What I mean is, fully exploited as a “rant” I’d be obliged to provide some documentable substantiation. Something public. Pictures or something. That would likely put me in court for defamation, slander, violating someone’s rights to privacy while their dog shits on my lawn, or something like that. This is private. Me against them…
2 Really? You look for me to define non-binary? Or do you look for me to enumerate the twenty-seven or fifty “genders” people who struggle against identity as male or female declare necessary? Where have you been hiding the last twenty years? Tell me; that’s a closet, given the current state of society, I want to investigate.
3 Originally thought to emend to “poop” for delicacy, sparing elitist Democrats. There’s a new wave of Democrats (and a sizeable number of randy Republicans) who consider existing text kindergarten stuff. This is becoming mainstream. By now you’ve seen enough of my work to know what to expect and evade when it offends.
4 Easily managed. When Fluffy begins her squat, you immediately look to the heavens to see if you cannot spot Skylab passing overhead.
5 Adventures in lawn mowing. Stop the mower, get a shovel, remove the often slimy, loose stool and port it to the storm drain. Rinse the shovel. Finding the specimen with your boot before your eyes or nose, subsequently cleaning your boot. Pity the kid…
6 Had to draw the line somewhere. Even that failed in the closing paragraph.
7 I can document this. I haven’t yet, because I fear those children’s parents would have to answer to Child Welfare for abusing their children or endangering them by allowing them to play outdoors. In dogshit. I strongly suspect it may be easier to get an ordinance banning children from outside activities than one banning public dog-shitting. Protecting children from the dangers of dogshit exposure. Democrats might go for that, seeing as how it’s an obviously workable solution. “…Property owners are required to install and maintain pet-sanitary stations at both streetside limits of their property for the convenience of pet owners…”
8 An unintentional pun of sorts.