Animal Control

I’m still capturing critters.  Mostly chipmunks.  Got one rabbit.  Hasn’t caused any damage I can see yet, but the summich is big enough to saddle and ride.  Had to let him go.  What was I gonna do?  In the burbs, I couldn’t shoot the damned thing.  Neighbors sure as hell would have been watching me if I’d brained the sucker with a shovel.  Had to let him go.  He gets in my trap again, I’m gonna glue antlers to his skull and turn him loose in the woods across the highway.  Maybe some hunter will clock his case this fall… 

“Momma, this venison tastes kindly funny – kindly like rabbit!”

“Hush up, Leon.  Eat yer dinner.  Daddy got him fresh.” 

Damned rabbit sits at the edge of my yard and watches me working in the garden.  Waiting.  Waiting to mosey over and inventory for rabbit-snackables.  Gotta do something or one day while it’s watching me, the county is gonna stop by and ask…

“You got a license for that there dog?”

“Ain’t a dog.”


“No.  It ain’t.”

“Well, it looks like a dog.”

“Lived in the city all yer life, eh?”

“Yeah.  Anyway, you gotta have a license fer that dog.”

“Ain’t a dog.”


“Nope.  Said so once.  Ain’t a dog.”

“What is it then?”


“C’mon.  I seen rabbits.  Ain’t no rabbit that big.”

“That there, I’m thinking is the Easter Rabbit.”


“Bunny.  Rabbit.  Same thing.”

“Get outta town!”

“Might have to, that thing don’t leave.  Scaring the neighborhood kids.”


“Yep.  Of course, that could be a good thing.”

“Wondered where all the kids was.”

“In their houses.  Skeert to death.”

“Well, yuh, I reckon.  Rabbit that big.”

“Scares hell outta the little froo-froo dogs too.”

“Sure nuff?”


“You’re sure it’s a rabbit?”

“Yep.  Real sure.”

“Not a dog?”

“Nope.  Not a dog.”

“Not yours?”

“Nope.  Wild animal.”

“Whatcha gonna do?”

“Well, how ’bout you shoot it?”

“Naw.  Ain’t bother’n nobody.”

“Bother’n me.  Whyn’t you trap it?”


“Sign on your truck says, ‘Animal Control, David County.’ “


“So.  Control that.”

“Don’t seem he’s doin no harm.”

“Eats my flowers.  Scares the kids.  And small dogs. You’d be a hero.”


“Yup.  I think so.”

“Maybe I’ll give it a go.  Kin I get close?”

“If you’ve a mind.  You’ll be okay, you got a gun.”

“I ain’t skeert a no bunny.”


“Rabbit, bunny, same difference.”

“You’re catching on.  All the same, be careful.”


“Got big teeth. Might not be vegetarian.  Could be carnivorous.”

“You said it was a rabbit.  Rabbits eat carrots.”

“And my flowers.”

“Same as vegetables.  I can handle a rabbit.”

“Maybe a rabbit…  Most likely a rabbit…  I’m sure it’s a rabbit…”

“Well, okay then.”

“On the other hand, could be a bear.”

“Naw.  I seen bears.”

“Polar bear.”

“Polar bears is white.”

“Not in the summer.”

“Why not?”

“No snow.  Gotta blend in.”


“Easier to sneak up on kids and small dogs.”

“Reckon I oughta do somethin.”

“Yeah, you should.  Being you’re ‘Animal Control’ and all.”

“Yeah.  Should.”

“Go get’m.  Gun loaded?”

“Course it is, why?”

“Might need it.”

“Mister, you ain’t foolin me, that’s yer dog.  You ain’t got no license.  I’m gonna have to give you a ticket and take that there dog.”

“What’ll the fine be?”

“Fifty bucks.  Usual.”

“Deal.  No license.  Do yer duty.  Your gun is loaded?”

© S P Wilcenski 2011     Prose 5/14/2020

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