Lights, Camera, Action! – March 10, 2021

Consider the source…

Friends, I’m busy. No more than usual, but with an edge; something I’ve not done before. It will demand my full attentions, so I can’t dream up a brand new piece for today, maybe tomorrow either. Dug into the vault and pulled a piece I did almost a year ago. A year by old guy standards is almost the same as brand-spanking new.

Flash, approximately 1,000 words. C’mon, you can do this. Piece of cake!

Pay attention for ill-disguised social commentary, snide castigation, and oblique (or cockeyed) external reference to things real and imaginary. For your amusement, I offer…

Lights, Camera, Action!

“Hey!  Somebody get me the Foley guy!  The dad-gummed sheep have gone missing.  Again!  Understood it during the Werewolf shoot cross lots, but this?  If I’m gonna get this in the can I gotta have sheep sounds for Peep.  Where’s that animal guy? Whatzit, Brown?  Security!  Find that farmer guy.  Make sure he knows he’s messing with Goldwyn Goldwyn here, and I’ll have Cheater, Cheater & Crooks on him like ugly on a four hundred-pound gorilla, he doesn’t get his sheep back here. Where’s that Brown guy whatshizname?

“Farmer.  Farmer Brown, Mr. Goldwyn. He left this morning, something about ‘til the cows come home…’ or some such thing, I dunno.”

“Really.  The man’s name is Farmer?  So, I look like some kind of rube?”

“Parents do weird things with kid’s names, Mr. Goldwyn.  Take Goldwyn Goldwyn, for example.”

“Okay.  Made your point.  Who the heck are you anyway?”

“Denny Wentwhistle. Assistant Third Best Boy, electric.  For the Iowa location crew.”

“Best boy me some sheepy animal sounds!  Get me a Foley man!”

“Sir, the Foley people work after the shoot.  Post-production.”

“Don’t give a snort!  We need animal sounds, to set the mood.  That Peep lady…”

“Ms. Beaux?”

“Yes. Like we have two Peeps? Oh, heaven help us!  Two Peeps would be the end of this film!  My cousin, Ishmael saw me coming on this one! ‘Piece of cake, Goldwyn,’ he said.  ‘Twenty-six-minute run time, Goldwyn,’ he said…”

“Well we do, you know, Mr. Goldwyn.  Have two Peeps.  Miss Beaux’s stand-in.  Candy. Candy Cosplay. She’s hot. Hotter than Beaux Peep.”

“Probably easier to work with too.  You got an eye for this Cosplay woman?”

“Um, yes sir, I do.  She’s nice, too.  Why do you need the sheep, Mr. Goldwyn?  All those scenes are over.”

“Peep wants sheep sounds to ‘set the mood’ so she can ‘emote’ for the closing scene.”

“Well, I guess I can see that…”

“She’s a dimbulb.  Got no clue.  Can’t act.  Thinks sheep sounds will help her ‘emote.’  Emote!  Needs to learn to act!  She thinks sounds will get her in the mood.”

“Mr. Goldwyn?”

“Whaddya want, Wentwhistle?”

“Sleepytime Mattress.”

 “They steal my sheep?  Sleepytime?  What’s a Sleepytime?”

“That’s a commercial shoot over in Lot Seven.  They’re pretty miffed too.  Had sheep.  Had.”

“Okay.  You have my attention.  Why?  And why do I care unless they took my sheep?”

“Brown supplied them sheep too.  I guess, ‘counting sheep’ and all that.  Farmer Brown took your sheep and the Sleepytime sheep, loaded them into his trailer and headed home.”

“Why? Sheep Union?”

“PETA was demonstrating.  Said sheep didn’t have to sacrifice to keep hunters’ nether parts warm in the winter.  Brown explained his sheep only got ‘haircuts,’ but the PETA people weren’t buying it.  Wanted Brown to submit to and pay for a Sheep Safety Service Rep onsite at his farm.”

“So?”

“Their bellyaching and chanting upset his sheep.  You’d a thought PETA would been sensitive to that.  They weren’t.  Steamed Brown. He loaded-up and took off.  Said something about city folks being too sensitive and altogether ignorant.”

“What on earth did that mean?”

“I dunno, I don’t speak farmer.”

We gotta contact that Farmer guy.  I need sheep.  Gotta finish this shoot.  I’m out of Maalox.”

“You don’t need sheep.  You just need the sound, Mr. Goldwyn.”

“Point?  Um. Get me a Foley man!”

“Listen-up everybody!  Accounting!  Livery!  Properties!  Catering!  Get over here.”

“O-o-h. I get it, Wentwhistle.  These folks make like sheep.”

“Not a stretch, Mr. Goldwyn.”

“I’ll take over, Wentwhistle.  Listen up folks.  Miss Peep lost her sheep. We need you to make sheeplike sounds to set the mood for her for the closing scene.  This is your chance.  Works out, you may consider leaving the trades.  Become voice actors.  Get yourself agents. Become something of stars yourselves. Group around and let’s try this…  Now, Baa-baa your little hearts out.”

“Baa.  Baa.  Ba-a-a.”

“More feeling, sheep people.  More sheepy. More feeling.  Dialogue people, help out here!”

“Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a! Ba-a-a-a-a!”

“Sound, can you do something with that?”

“Don’t need to, GG.  Sounds are already down.  We don’t need it.”

“I do.  Beginning to feel good to me.  Besides, Peep wants it.   Hey, Peep!  Vance!  Vance Studlee!”

“That’s Ms. Peep, GG!”

“Don’t’ get uppity, Beaux. I’m the Director here.”

“My uncle is the Producer!”

“Excuse me Ms. Beaux Peep!  You ready to do this last scene?”

“I don’t hear sheep.”

“Cue Sheep.  Let’s hear it!”

“Ba-a-a-a-a!  Ba-a-a-a!”

“Might work. I’m feeling it.”

“Let’s do this! Sheep! Studlee!”

“Ba-a-a-a!!”

“VTR ready?”

“Rolling.”

“Camera?”

“Speed.”

“A-a-a-nd, action!”

“Baa.  Baa-a-a-a-a!“

“GG!  I’m not kissing Vance!  Studly smells like those sheep!”

“Ms. Peep, come back!  Mr. Studlee, what’s the deal?  Lookit!   Peep’s leaving the set.”

“It was the chase scene, GG.  But I know Miz Beaux won’t come back.  She’s been finding excuses since yesterday.”

“Hang it!  Hmm…  Makeup!  Wardrobe!  Wentwhistle!”

“Yes, GG?”

“Cosplay!”

“Sir?”

“Get over here you two.  You’re doing the last scene.”

“Yes sir!”

“Yes sir!”

“You know it kids, but I’ll lay it out.  Sheep make sheep sounds.  Sun sets.   You take her in your arms, Wentwhistle.  You kiss her.  Like you mean it.   Can you handle that?”

“Yes, sir, I can.”

“Cosplay?”

“Sure. I mean, yes.”

“Makeup, wardrobe.  Doing the final scene long shot. Make these two kids up. Meanwhile The sheep are gonna rehearse…  Cue Sheep!”

“Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a! Ba-a-a-a-a!”

“Great. Gonna do fine.  I feel it! VTR?

“Ready.”

“Camera.  Were’ not going to track here.  I want a long shot, over Wentwhistle’s shoulder.  Fuzzy profile, but clear enough to see, well, you know.  On my cue, pan away to the sunset.  Got it?”

“Got it, GG”

“Wardrobe!  Makeup! Those kids ready?”

“Yes, GG!”

“Okay.  Let’s do this.”

“Rolling.   Speed.”

“A-a-a-nd. Action!”

“Baa.  Baa-a-a-a-a!”

“Kiss her Wentwhistle!  You fool! Kiss her!  That’s what this scene is all about.  Oh, for pity’s sake!  Cosplay, you kiss Wentwhistle!  There. That’s it.  Oooh!  Nice touch, Cosplay!  Good.  Good with the hands.  Get that, VTR!  Get that! Just a few seconds more while the camera pans out…  Pan, camera!  Good.  Good. And cut!  Print!  Wentwhistle!  Cosplay!  Scene’s over. You can stop now, kids!” 

“Mmm.  Oh. Unh. Yes sir.  Maybe another take?”

“On your own time, Wentwhistle.  That’s a wrap people.  Let’s go home.  Sheep sound people: go over to Commercial Lot Seven.  Sleepytime.  They may need you there…”

© SP Wilcenski 2020
(Originally posted to Prose 5/9/2020)

Published by spwilcen

Retired career IT software engineer, or as we were called in the old days, programmer, it's time to empty my file cabinet of all the "creative" writing accumulated over the years - toss most of it, salvage and publish what is worthwhile.

7 thoughts on “Lights, Camera, Action! – March 10, 2021

  1. Hit the big time, did you? Not only a writer but a Hollywood producer as well…how do I know? “Foley man” is very expensive and only used by big film studios.

  2. Sheep, movie making, directors, actors and actresses getting into the spirit and the character. Good story my friend. Enjoyed it and hope you got all that other work done. Best of luck SP! And good night from the Mediterranean coast of Spain,
    FBC.

    1. Thank you, my consistent amigo. Missed the deadline because the editor slammed the door March 10 instead of publicized March 15. Aw well, on to the next one. Sleep well, my friend, tomorrow is another day. SP

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