Roger and Larry – March 7, 2021

Audience alert: some swearing – words like Republican, Democrat, vegetarian…

“Hey Roger! Howya been?”

“Pretty good, I reckon, Larry.”

“Only just ‘pretty good’?”

“I get a little confused now and then.  Bothers me some.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, seems every time I turn around someone wants to know what I am.”

“Hell, everyone pays attention knows you’re Roger, best damned plumber in Warsaw County.”

“No.  Folks allus askin am I this or am I that.”

“Not following you here, Rodge.”

 “Like they ask if I favor Republicans or Democrats or Green Peas.”


“Right. What they ask.  Green Peas.”

“Not peas, peace.   Like in ‘make peace with your enemies.’”

“Unh.  Thought it made no sense, two of’m liars and no-goods and one a vegetable.”

“Jury’s out on that one.”


“Nothing.  But whoever’s asking you is confused themselves.  Democrats and Republicans are not clubs either one excluding Green Peace advocacy or advocates.  Green Peace is about saving the planet among other things.”

“And Democrats?”

“Don’t know as I can pin that one down for ya, Rodge. Might be some Democrats would like to save the planet.”

“Ok. Republicans?”

“Can’t pin them down neither.  All I can say is Republicans and Democrats think different about money, and social affairs, and how much government is good or bad.  Hard to draw boxes and put all Democrats in one and all Republicans in the other.”

“And the Green Peace folk?”

“Likely find some in either box.”

“Which is good and which is bad?”

“No such thing there, Rodge.”


“Lookit. How’d you vote on the village tax increase?”


“And the school millage?”


“Why? I mean why’d you vote the way you did?”

“Cause it was what I figured best.”

“Gonna bet you in either case there was both Republicans and Democrats and even Green Peacers voted the same as you.”


“No, It ain’t.  You’re doing it right.  Voting what you feel best, not paying no mind is it vanilla or chocolate.”

“Oh. Well.  Seems folks and I are having a nice constipation and…”



“Conversation.  Constipation is when you can’t, well, you have difficulty evacuating your…”

“Yeah. What I thought. In the business, you know.  Kinda.”

“Like a doctor.”

“Unh. Yuh. Well.  Have difficulty sometimes with words.”

“I’ll say.”

“Say what?”

“Never mind.  Stop worrying about titles, Rodge.  Someone feels it necessary they nail you down it’s because they’re likely unsure of themselves.  Let them figure that out.  Ain’t necessary they know where you are to figure out where they are.”

“Thought it mighta been they was looking to learn something.  My opinion, you know?”

“Then they should be asking your opinion, not what political party you support. If the first thing they gotta know is are you a Republican or Democrat, they’re looking to argue, not learn.  You just keep making your decisions accounta what your head and heart say, not what some club member says.  Unless you agree with them.”

“Sounds right.  Still some issues to sort out.”

“Maybe I can help you there. So long as it’s not politics. Like what?”

“I’m not sure if I’m a vegetarian or a lesbian.”

“Hm. You eat beef?”

“You betcha!”

“Well, you ain’t vegetarian.  Can guarantee you ain’t lesbian.”


“First qualification would be you were female.  Which you ain’t, so you ain’t.”

“There’s more qualifications?”

“After the first, no others even count.”

“So, is it good I’m not vegetarian and not lesbian?”

“You happy as you are?”

“Yep. Think so.”

“Then you’re good to go.”

“Vegetarians happy not eating beef?”

“Any meat. Seems so to me.  Seen happy vegetarians.  Could be foolin me, but I doubt it.”

“Well good for them. And Lesbians?”

“Reckon they’re on the whole happy too.  Unless their car won’t start or their drain’s backed-up.”

“We all got those kinds of problems.”


“Then all these titles don’t mean much.”

“You are a wise man, Rodge.”


“Roger, don’t think I’d give it much thought.  Nobody’s business but yours.  And those folks who keep trying to pin you down black or white, or hot or cold, or Ford or Dodge?”


“Reckon when they commence to running their mouths what you’re witnessing is not conversation of any sort.  More a sort of constipation.”

“Hah! Say.  Got time for a cup of coffee?”

“Sure. You buying?”

“Flip you for it.”

So much to do.  Wall and ceiling repair.  Stone and brick repair.  Spring chores getting ready to start.  Expect a scuffle over how much “garden” we’ll do this year.  Travel in the offing.  Aches and pains.  Taxes this month.  Client potential vacillating.

Hey!  I’m breathing.  Fingers working pretty good.  Collected Comedies parading outside my window.  Not a bad day.  Let’s see who I can mess with…

Published by spwilcen

Retired career IT software engineer, or as we were called in the old days, programmer, it's time to empty my file cabinet of all the "creative" writing accumulated over the years - toss most of it, salvage and publish what is worthwhile.

7 thoughts on “Roger and Larry – March 7, 2021

  1. Hilarious read SP. I have an aversion to people who try to fit us into boxes. Now get on with those Spring chores before they become Summer chores.

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