Listening to WXPB…
I was tuned-in to the radio side of our local MSM radio-television-web conglomerate yesterday. Just happened to be trying out a new toy here. Got a mini recorder so I can ‘dictate’ story ideas instead of scribbling them on a legal pad.
I know, I know, you folks, especially you young whippersnappers out there, snicker derisively contemplating anyone actually writing something down. Learning to write at the age of twenty-two, that has worked for me nearly fifty years. Lately though, I can’t write as fast as I think. (I hear laughter.) Trying to hurry, my notes – countless Pulitzer pieces – become unintelligible scrawls; pretty to look at for curlicues and flourishes, but for example, what looked like “kitchen wars” turned out to be a reminder to revisit “killer hornets,” which I’ll get to shortly if I don’t fall asleep first.
Typing ideas directly into a document is not conducive to unrestrained flow of creative juices. When I see a mistook, I stop to edit. That pause makes me lose five to ten already meaningfully connected words.
Yes. I tried dictating to my computer. That worked less effectively than a legal pad. If you think spellcheck is ignorant, try dictating Nobel-caliber literature for thirty minutes, to discover latest-and-greatest AI software (my turn to snicker) has created a word document resembling a Martian grocery list. All considered, longhand, however sloppy, is more accurate than dictating to software. Present state-of-the-art anyway.
Re-enter analog tape technology. It works. It takes time to transcribe what I manage to dictate before embarrassing myself, sounding like a pompous twit and quitting, but it works. It’s all there. No Kitchen Wars. No organic Venusian morble filmeg.
So I had just embarrassed myself into being “done” for a bit when WXPB started a story1 I thought it best to share with you. Through the magic of Mylar tape, I transcribe…
“…as we promised earlier, in the studio this evening is Bill Penpoint, our field reporter with an update to a story he has been following carefully. Fill us in Bill.”
“Thank you, Wally. You will re…”
“Yunh, okay, Walter. You will remember the story WXPB broke here on Asian Murder Hornets a little over a month ago. This reporter has discovered area entomologists and apiarists have observed native eastern honeybee species have put into play an amazing defense against invading hornets. I must warn viewers when you tune in for our videocast at eleven, the pictures you will see are graphic and could be upsetting to some. These clever bees know or have learned the invading hordes are repelled by a naturally-occurring and readily available…”
As it turns out, buffalo poop. And, ever resourceful, in a pinch, urine. “Eastern” turns out to be eastern like in Asia eastern. Western bees, Bill reported, are not keen on the idea of using buffalo poop to mark their hives off-limits to hornets. Which may be irrelevant as there are not many buffalo native to Oregon and Washington states, anyway. It somewhat makes sense Asian honeybees would have something figured out as that’s where the “murder” hornets themselves originated.
I can see it now. Asian honeybees green-carded to teach “western” honeybees how to harvest Longhorn dung and apply it to hive entrances. Which raises some concerns I have for division of labor. Not sure I want the same squadron of honeybees hauling Hereford poop to swap shifts to make honey. I don’t care how efficient their task-swap sanitizing procedures are.
“Hmmm. Nice honey for these biscuits, Momma. I detect notes of Giant Red clover and aged Angus dung?”
Let’s think this through. Giant murder hornets are from Asia? They are a problem? So let’s bring in some technically advanced honeybees to train our native honeybees? Import from where? Asia? Anybody beside me see a pattern here?
Remind me. Where did COVID19 originate? Be concerned, people, Be very concerned.
As a PSA, I report ZipFast is once again sold out locally.
“Surrogate Episode I” is available in “Writing” in the dropdown “Conversations.”