Explain To Me – November 20, 2020


While continuing my efforts to be tolerant and open-minded, I make it easy for you to guess where I park my sitter on any number of issues.  Unless you’re sliding past this blog on a rocket sled.  You know I’m an old purple dewd. Cantankerous.  Somewhat opinionated. Still, I maintain, I’m open-minded, tolerant of others and other philosophies, and as a rule easy to get along with. Sometimes easy.

If your memory machine is working, you know I’m a kid long time ago from the sticks who has managed to salvage a good portion of his hard-won parochialism, despite best attempts by big cities, Hollywood, and uncountable social movements to show me the errors of my ways.  Like many others of my generation and since, did some military because it seemed the right thing to do, not because we didn’t know any better or couldn’t afford a ticket to another country willing to put up with us for a period of time. 

Worked some other honorable professions because I was in the wrong spot at the right time.  One or two professions honorable then, viewed as disrespectful now by a preponderance of the population who never did, never will sacrifice, and abandoned by the rest of the demographic because those abandoners are near one-hundred percent lazy, ignorant, self-obsessed twits who consider themselves “above all that,” or fantasize “that doesn’t affect me.”  That’s a powerful lot working against one segment of American society, but (remember my tolerance) that don’t necessarily make them bad people, just disoriented and unwilling to accept help finding their way.

Chickens gonna come home to roost.

Every chance I get, I vote.  Not in the ‘Democratic’ way of going about it – just once for a single election.

When I remember, I shower.  If it’s convenient, I use deodorant after.  What the heck, when I’ve gone through all the trouble of showering, I may change clothes. Unless I’ve cleaned the chicken coop, or dribbled grease or oil while pulling a maintenance chore, fresh clothes seems mostly unnecessary and somewhat inconsiderate.

I have flaws.  I eat meat. Animal meat.  Until twenty-five years ago I regularly smoked anything that had nicotine in it.  Been known to swear; not as good at it as some of the ladies I’ve heard lately, but passable.  If it smells like it and looks like it, I’m gonna skip a taste test and tell you what it is.  On that particular count, I’m usually pretty dog-gone close.

Nobody looking, and wanting to keep my hanky fresh, I’m inclined to spit to clear my throat and breathing apparatus.

Though my reflux begs to differ, I enjoy a nice glass of red, am quite fond of good whiskey, Irish especially, and won’t ignore anything that has alcohol in it. Figure if it was good enough for Olympus and Asgard, it can’t be as bad as some folks would have you believe.

I enjoy the sight of pretty women. I’d love to tell ya I’m equal opportunity there, but men don’t do it for me.  Men are good for softball teams, help lifting heavy objects, lying practice, something to laugh at, and such, but they ain’t women.

It’s the tolerance and open-mindedness that get me in trouble some, make me question things sane people have no trouble accepting as they are.

I would like some answers. Won’t make me sleep better understanding, but some insight might make the next conundrum easier to figure-out unassisted.  I can’t list all these quandaries.  A few will get you started.  If answers show up, I’ll put the others up for consideration later.

When women stick together it’s good, a support network.  When men stick together it’s sexist.  Howzat?

‘Many Maroon Men’ can bar non-maroon people.  ‘Beige Benevolent Brotherhood’ must seek maroon, green, and purple for their membership, and by court ruling must become ‘Benevolent Brotherhood.’ I missed something?

Meatless meat removes several steps from the process of getting protein from the farm to the table.  It’s reportedly environmentally better.  PETA says it shows greater regard for animal life. We’ve not heard from PETP.  Nutrition gurus and V-people say meatless meat is healthier than animal-protein.  Am I to conclude the “good” of meatless meat is all lies?  Let’s take one aspect – cost.  Everyone likes to talk about money because, well, because money.  Got it?  Fewer steps, less time in farm to table for meatless meat. Why does meatless meat cost more than decent meat-meat?  That one slides right past me.

Before wolves, coyotes, foxes, and pandas domesticated humans and in a show of solidarity considered themselves “dogs” differentiating themselves from humans, they ate hunted and killed meat.  Most of the meat they harvested came from other animals that had bones in them.  Why do gen-whatevers tell me first, I should not feed my dog bones, and second, oats, sorghum, green beans, and sweet potatoes make for a better diet for canines? Can I ask Bowser?

Crime and punishment:
Police are looked down on, disrespected, and reviled, because in the performance of their duties, some have made horrendous mistakes, or a few are rotten apples.  Politicians make many more mistakes, or complete intentional activities for their extreme avarice and ignorance and are honored, rewarded, and even trusted.  CEOs of mega-conglomerates lead companies to ruin, poison people en masse, erase the livelihoods of hundreds of thousands yet are paid millions even as their charges are going down the tubes.  I’ve no facts but I wonder how many lives have been lost for the avarice and corruption of politicians and corporate executives.  Huh?  When are the brick parades to Congress and Wall Street?

Late to the party:
Late for a doctor, dentist, or acupuncturist appointment and for my tardiness cannot be “worked-in” I pay for the missed appointment.  If doctor Albughanni makes me wait forty-five minutes she suffers no penalty.  Different strokes for different folks?

Standard equipment:
Why are turn signals not mandatory equipment on BMWs?  Duh?

Old MacDonald:
How is GMO bad, and hybrid seed, even new (selectively bred) dog and cattle breeds are “natural”?  I’m listening.

Pay the piper:
Rare is the time taxes go down.  I’ve heard of it on local levels. I suspect either the Democrats or Republicans, depending on who sits the bench, to blame. Mostly taxes go up, by one mechanism or another, never down.  Vapor lock?

Spontaneous generation:
The biggie.  There are these little slam-stoppers that keep showing-up on the kitchen floor.  Where do they come from?  Oh, I know where they come from. Little round plastic disks meant to be glued to the inside faces of drawer fronts to cushion the sound when a drawer slams shut.  None of the drawers in our kitchen here are ill-mannered.  They don’t, left open, take it upon themselves to slam themselves shut. Here-nor-there.  What I mean when I imply I don’t know where they come from is, I know they are from the drawers like I explained, but when I examine all the drawers, escaped disk in hand, none of the drawers are missing a slam-stopper.  I’ve examined these slam-stopper doobers with a magnifying glass.  Nothing there to indicate gender, so I don’t suspect they breed.  They do spontaneously appear so often I have a collection of slam-stoppers now filling one of those old-timey strike anywhere kitchen match boxes.  You need some stopper-doobers, let me know.  I’ll send you some.  Or just one male and female pair if I figure out how to determine which is which.  Breed your own?

Say.  How’s that for staying on the green side of the NSFW bar?

I do apologize though for tripping over 500 words.  Nerts!

If you are slap worn out by all this, I understand. See? I told you I was basically a swell fella.  Considerate, tolerant, etcetera, etcetera.  You need a break.  Got one for ya.  It’s flash fiction. The real deal. One-hundred words on the money.  To save you looking it up, Imma give you the link. Here’s what’s funny about flash: to the point of providing the link, this unabashed promotion, me telling you about it, takes one-hundred and sixteen words.  See how ridiculously short it is?  Whyn’t I just put it in-line? Because I’m trying to fool people into looking at the other creative pieces I’ve marooned on my page(s).  Take a look at “Fishing Buddies.” It is, kiddies, NSFW for language and suggested violence.

Published by spwilcen

Retired career IT software engineer, or as we were called in the old days, programmer, it's time to empty my file cabinet of all the "creative" writing accumulated over the years - toss most of it, salvage and publish what is worthwhile.

4 thoughts on “Explain To Me – November 20, 2020

  1. I enjoyed the mini autobiography.
    Answers to your questions…

    The title says it.

    Colour television, progress.
    Coloured television?

    If meat is so bad anyway, why do vegetarians spend so much time producing stuff that looks, smells, and sometimes nearly tastes like the real thing?

    Dauphy (RIP) had typical Labrador mentality and would eat anything he could fit in his mouth.

    Crime and Punishment
    Come on, we’re both old enough to know that there are two sets of rules, one of which applies exclusively to the likes of us!

    Late to the party
    Very true. Same with train drivers. They never wait for me!

    Standard equipment
    Turn signals are also optional extras on Porsche and most other ‘high end’ models. If you don’t believe me, talk to their owners.

    Old MacDonald
    Those golden arches are to dazzle you, so that you don’t see what you’re eating.

    Pay the Piper
    See the answer to Crime and Punishment. Talk to the Chief Execs. of Amazon and Google if you need further clarification.

    Spontaneous Generation
    a) Your partner is playing tricks on you
    b) You are hallucinating and/or have been near that alcohol again
    or c)It’s simply their breeding season. Make the most of it.

    Hope this helps. Phew! I’m knackered now, off for a lie down and a pill!

  2. One thing seems to me inconsistent.
    You say you served, which means you volunteered to serve in some war zone, putting your life at risk at the behest of politicians.
    Then later, you criticise (rightly IMO) politicians.
    Presumably there are several years difference, at least, between these two thoughts?

    1. Yes, I have changed. But Never did I “like” or allow there was any socially redeemable nature in politicians. Not at the behest of politicians. For my country. Mind you, I indeed bought “Mom, God, and apple pie.” Sadly, I still do. That’s part of the changes too, but I still like apple pie.

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