Fluff – November 9, 2020

Working on a major piece which may not make the cut.  I figure it’s a good piece.  It has several things going against it: 

(1) I think it’s good. That means for everyone else, it’s a yawner.

(2) It’s long. 7K words. No WordPresser I know is going to put up with that.  Fact of life. Means I’ll have to split it into pieces (tentatively three) and mess people over that they must read it in installments, yet the anecdotal piece is best chewed and swallowed at once. Is a cartoonist’s life any easier?

(3) Its genesis was over five years ago.  Pre-COVID-19. Pre- a lot of things.

(4) It is certainly NSFW because it IS anecdotal and IS based on honest-to-some-deity real folk and thus for accuracy laced with the language of everyday people. If you’ve not been paying attention, most (American) people are pretty consarn vulgar. Including, and sometimes, especially, women.

(5) It’s also NSFW because it pokes at, um, ah, economy-size people.  It pokes at old people.  It pokes at women.  It pokes at youth.  Did I miss anyone?  You feel left out, send me an email – see the contact page.

The dewd mounts his defense

I am old, decidedly so, a curmudgeon, an irascible gaff, but I refuse to follow the old gaff stereotype, which is, sadly, pretty sorry, and mostly deserved by old gaffs and by me. 

Some large people can’t help it. Gonna go to the bank that most large people do not suffer medical conditions, so I consider it a personal failing, and large people subject to a bit of fun.  Would someone flog me for derogatory remarks about a skinny person?  A weightlifter? A lawyer? Unh, never mind lawyers. 

Listen, how many times have you heard me berate males?  I am, incidentally, male, and nothing if not pro-fem, so females get the same ration of jabs as men.  Finally, the youth – oh, heaven help us, if they are not the promise they should be. In fairness, they get their share of caustic attention.

Maybe I’ll start serializing tomorrow.  I dunno why I’m concerned.  Hurrying now, because I’m a couple of pills short a full dose…

A little diversionary fluff

Sweatbands

Looking up from my VPN console which had for the third time that morning dumped me from two of five customer sites I was monitoring, I saw her come through the front door fresh (more or less) from her morning walk.  She dashed into the bathroom.  Well, sure.  Happens to me, too.

Shortly, a matter of a few minutes, I dunno, it’s difficult gauge time when you’re matching wits with communications software, which notoriously lacks any sense of humor, she poked her head into my office and offered out of the blue…

“If you were watching when I came in from my walk this morning, I looked like I’d been crying.”

“Oh?”  

I’d not been watching, certainly not that closely, so I had no idea where she was headed. Maybe the ugly woman two blocks over accosted her for messing with the minds of neighborhood husbands.  She had my attention, but I could not attest to her claim, as indeed, her makeup now looked ready-to-go-anywhere fresh to me.  She sensed my quandary.

“Yes, because it was so hot and humid that the sweat was just rolling down my forehead.”

“Um-hm.”

“And it got into my eyes.  Messed-up my makeup.”

Most males would say something stupid, like, why on earth do you put on out-for-the-evening makeup just before you go outside to walk, and incidentally sweat, for an hour?  I am broken-in married.  Broken-in married men think differently than regular males.  Slower, as a precautionary measure, and differently.

Safely, according to my liability-potential sensors, I offered, “Yes.  That’s why a lot of people wear sweat bands.”

“Yeah. I suppose.”

“Or do-rags.”

“Um-hmm.”

“Or hats.”

“Yes.”

“If you are really observant, and look closely…”

“Um-hmm?”

“You will see that a lot of walking people have taken to wearing koala bears on their heads.”

She didn’t dignify that with a comment. So I continued. 

“Yes.  I understand they are quite absorbent.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.  And they smell nice, too.”

Once again, she wasn’t going to dignify my flippancy. I picked-up again.

“Yes, kind of a eucalyptus-y fragrance.  Quite nice, actually.”

Most of the time, we get on marvelously.  Suspected we’d either be eating out that evening, or I’d danged-well better have something ready for the grill.

© S P Wilcenski  2020

— “Conversations” August 18, 2020

Published by spwilcen

Retired career IT software engineer, or as we were called in the old days, programmer, it's time to empty my file cabinet of all the "creative" writing accumulated over the years - toss most of it, salvage and publish what is worthwhile.

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